Top 10 tell tale signs that you are waiting in a GP's surgery

1. No matter how ill you are, you still feel as though you are the healthiest one there
2. Everyone gave you an awkward stare at you when you walked in, and for no apparent reason other that you are there, just as you now join in doing yourself - and for no apparent reason than they are there too
3. You've just found out by reading the magazines that something known as the 'Y2K bug' might be a serious problem in three years time
4. From the posters on the wall and other literature to hand, you now believe you have three more things wrong with you since arriving
5. You start playing 'Guess The Ailment' game in your own head, along with everyone else there too - best and worst case scenarios being an altogether different game
6. Everybody seems to be getting seen before you, and it all appears that you're being punished for being ill in the first place - this IS usually the case
7. All the children running about do not appear to belong to any of the people waiting with you, perhaps they came with the fixtures and fittings of the surgery?
8. You're more worried about picking up more illnesses from the other patients sitting with you, than you are about your own reasons for being there. This increases ten fold when somebody new walks in - especially if you can't guess what's wrong with them (see the game in No. 5)
9. You notice that the receptionists all have a personal grudge with each and every patient in the waiting room – well, that's how it comes across from their attitude, and when anyone speaks to them
10. You are ill, and everyone around you is too

Nobody Special 

Top 10 signs that you’re about to be fired

1. You arrive at work one morning to be confronted by an empty box sitting on your desk, with a note attached that reads – “Put everything you own in here, signed … Personnel”
2. Your last review went so badly that you still wake up in the middle of the night screaming, and so does the person that gave it
3. Everyone in the office throws you an impromptu leaving party, only you had no idea you were going
4. Your boss keeps looking over your shoulder whilst you’re working, in fact, he’s now taken to sitting on your lap during the hours of 9am to 5pm
5. No one asks your opinion anymore in meetings, although one or two people have started giving you theirs instead
6. You’ve just had your third written warning, of the hour
7. People in the office have stopped asking you out for lunch, in fact they’ve just started throwing theirs at you
8. You start to notice that no one invites you to participate in projects anymore, except one …. leaving, and yours
9. The company files for Chapter 11, and you’ve been cited in all the legal documentation as being chiefly responsible for this necessary course of action
10. You receive your P45, tied to a brick, thrown through the window of your car, from the head of personnel, in a “drive by sacking” at a 120mph

Nobody Special 

1. You enter a bar and in all seriousness ask “Has anyone handed in the 5 hours I lost here last night?”
2. No one remembers you sober, and that includes you
3. The local street-dwelling winos refuse to drink with you anymore - as you lower the tone  
4. You go to a place where everybody knows your name .. and no, it’s not cheers, it’s AA
5. Your closest friends all have names like Jamesons, Gordons and Absolut
6. You try to make a withdrawal on your donors card, as your liver has seen better days - but you just can’t remember them
7. Every summertime you always see drunk mosquitoes flying around you but can’t figure out why 
8. With you “Happy Hour” normally come in batches of 24, 7 of them in a row
9. You honestly believe that you get paid in beer vouchers, with the denominations of 5, 10, 20 and 50.
10. You realise it takes longer and longer to recover from “the night before”, at the moment you’re dealing with the early 90s, somewhere around June ‘91

Nobody Special 

Top 10 tell tale signs that you've been April Fooled

1. All of your belongings have currently been glued to the ceiling, this may also include elderly relatives – depending on the adventurousness of your pranker
2. You woke up this morning in a bath full of ice with a badly drawn scar down your right side and several items blacked out from your Donors card
3. Someone changed your order from tea to coffee – and repeats this all day. Not really a “wild” April fool in itself, but they've been spiking your drink with small amounts of alcohol – small enough not to be noticed, until you're nakkied and screaming at traffic, around 3pm
4. You fall for the pregnancy scare trick, until the follow up gag in around 9 months time – really unsure who the April fool is on that one, and the follow through is a wee bit extreme
5. You are an elderly relative and are glued to a ceiling
6. Somebody had rearranged ALL of your furniture at home, a horrendous idea – especially if you're blind
7. You have toilet paper stuck to the base of your shoe, but haven't been to toilet all day – you've just been soiling yourself
8. You're constantly watching out for being April fooled all day long, and it doesn't happen – that's the ZEN April fool, cool huh?
9. You've read this and found it funny
10. Congestion Charge increases by over 50%, on wait … that might be true

Nobody Special 

1. Admit that your CV is one of the greatest works of fiction, and also that you believe it should be nominated for the Pulitzer Prize.
2. Strip.
3. Upon discussing salary say "You couldn't afford me” and then walk out.
4. Offer a mint to the interviewer and then explain that their halitosis is yellowing your shirt.
5. Rearrange the office furniture in a Feng Shui style if the interview is going badly - in an effort to turn things around for you.
6. When asked “Would like a drink”, say "Best not, I'm trying to keep sober and I've just lost my sponsors phone number, so things could get messy if I start THAT one again".
7. Strip slowly.
8. Start to sing show tunes – badly.
9. Ask the interview "What happened to your face?", and "Weren’t your parents very attractive either".
10. Take lots of drugs and alcohol just before the interview to boost your confidence, and then spend the entire meeting in a catatonic state. Promptly followed by being forcefully removed from the premises, by security guards, which you fondly refer to as "Mother" on the way out.

Nobody Special