You're overly fond of children and not in a creepy way either
You're consistently making a list and checking it twice
You employ a staff of short people to make products, that aren't anything to do with a child slave labour force in the news recently - honest
Some of your closest aides have pointed ears, but you try not to bring any attention to that fact - they're very sensitive
Your only mode of transport all have solid deciduous antlers, distinguishable from the Bovidae family just because of that fact
Sherry and mince pies are the only two items on your weekly shopping list, surprising really you don't have any severe bowel issues
You're often seen at numerous department stores and malls all at the exact same time, curiously - thank god for outsourcing, who's to say it's ruining our economy
All of your suits are red with white trimmings, rather matching the colour of your beard and hair - also white. With all credit going to a soft drink manufacturer, bizarrely enough
You have a hectic travel schedule and quite an impossible one at that - still, it's only one day year, the rest you can just telecommute
Shops that have been selling Christmas products since early July will have one day reprieve – to sell vaguely scary tat to young children, instead of Christmas tat to grownups, for young children
It’s the only time of the year that parents allow their kids to take sweets from strangers, in fact they encourage it – unless you live anywhere near Michael Jackson, Garry Glitter or Jonathon King. Where parents still encourage their kids to run away screaming, no matter what day of the year it is
There will be a bad sequel to a scary film released at the cinema, nowhere as good as the original – a TV station is bound to be showing the original anyway so save your money and stay in
This the 2nd most popular Pagan festival taken across in the Christian transmogrification process – sadly others missed out, such as the burning of estate agents and traffic warrens, both coming in a close third in the Pagan religion calendar
Children will come Trick or Treating until the very late hours of the night, way past acceptable hours but they’re all hocked up on sugar and have no idea where they are let alone how to tell the time – an invaluable insight for young minds on what it must be like to be Keith Richards or Pete Doherty, at all times
Simpsons will show a new a Halloween special, another Treehouse Of Horror – only about two weeks late, as per usual and everyone’s forgotten about the night
Rotting Pumpkins will be seen everywhere the very next day for about a month, just as rotting Christmas trees will been seen everywhere in January to February
Fancy dress will be prominent on the streets, those of you who aren’t very attractive make this an idea time to venture out of the house – you might even get complemented on that mask you’re wearing
November will see the highest administration of children to The Priory for sugar dependency
You've just gone through more tissues than a 16 year old boy watching the Pussy Cat Dolls live on DVD
Your head feels as congested as the M25 on a Friday of a bank holiday weekend where every damn git as far as the eye can see is pulling a caravan - clearly showing how many people are actually born stupid
You've taken every cold medicine in the home and still feel and look as rough as Jade Goody on a very very good day
At least one of the medications was out of date as you're sure the expiration notice was in hieroglyphics, as a result the possibility of hallucinations are very high or so the 11 Oompa Loompas dancing around you believe
You initially laughed at how bad day-time TV is during the week but are now planning on taping a few things in the future just to keep up on their goings on
You haven't left home in so long you now know what it felt like to be in the Big Brother house, only without the desperation for fame, extremely low IQ and complete tackiness
You've been cough up things that appear to have the consistency of the fillings of stuffed crust pizzas but haven't had Italian in a while and now doubt you will for sometime
More fluids have been taken on board than at your last Christmas party when you tried to beat the world record of drinking Eggnog – when there isn’t one, never will be one and really anymore than one glass and you could call yourself the World Record Holder
You find yourself sleeping more often than necessary all in an aid to get well, only this will now screw up your regular sleeping patterns and you’ll find yourself watching god-awful Quiz show TV at 4am for the next month and spending a fortune on calling in. Not in an attempt win, but just to shout abuse as they’re all idiots, as are they’re viewers - with the distinct possibility of all being caravan owners too
I’m too ill to write this one, your probably too ill to read it and too ill to care – just like me, if not give it time and read this again when you can relate more
Top 10 tell tale signs that partying on a Thursday night is a bad idea
No matter how great things are at 3am, you will still have to contend with the hell that is Friday morning at work
Dealing with a hangover in the comfort of your bed, or on a sofa watching DVD’s is the only way – dealing with a hangover at work, smelling like Oliver Reed every time you speak is however, not
Being in meetings with the look of someone who has coming down rather severely with a bad case of flu, with no other visible symptoms of the illness is no way to progress your career at this point
Having drunk more coffee than your entire floor in a day might alert your state to others, also it’s only 09:10 and you’ve been in work for 5 minutes
You’ve just shouted at someone for speaking too loud, when in actual fact they didn’t even whisper a word – they just thought it instead
In this rather delicate state you are in, you move around so slowly in a way very similar to an elderly person in their late 80s that’s had a real real hard life and had to take over from a pit-pony on it’s days off, besides having to pulling stream trains with their teeth as a main job
Sitting at your desk staring blankly at a wall for several hours with the productiveness of an American President, is also no way to progress your career at this point either
Passing off the “alcohol sweats” or hot flushes as just the weather affecting you won’t wash when it’s snowing outside and even your breath turns to icicles (well, it would do if your alcohol content didn’t prevent them reaching that state)
Throwing your no-carbs diet out the window by eating copious amount of junk food just to rid yourself of this feeling, might also alert others to your state. Especially when you’ve been shouting at the chocolate vending machine for 20 minutes as the last Kit-Kat is stuck and you’ve now been reduced to a sobbing wreck on the floor
You’re wearing the same clothes as yesterday and have only realised this by your underwear which clearly has “Thursday” printed on them. However, you wished no one else would have noticed this, but it’s too late now as you were pretending to be Superman in a bar at 2am and you’re still wearing them on the outside
Top 10 tell tale signs it's morning/it’s one of “those days”
You've tried for sometime to push a door open you've known was only supposed to be pulled and have known for many many years. In fact, it's your own door and is clearly marked “PULL”, by you, for this sole reason – it’s not the first time it’s happened
The craving for coffee or tea has raised the concerns of your colleagues so much that they've booked you a stay at the priory
You read a paper on the journey to work but have no idea of any of the content now and if your life was on the line to remember any of it you'll be pushing up daises by the end of the day
At 3pm you've just spent the last hour trying to decipher notes you made in a 9am meeting. You are now completely sure you're ancient Egyptian and can write fluently in hieroglyphics
You've been limping for the past few hours and have only just realised you're wearing two different shoes
Whilst knelling down to put on your shoes at the front door the postman rammed a wad of letters in your mouth
For the past hour you've only done one productive thing, but have blinked a lot and stared in to space for a great deal of time at nothing whatsoever. If the uselessness streak goes on any further you'll be called on to run the Conservative party
You've woken up far too early and wanted to call in sick so that you can really enjoy the day - you've spent ages racking your brain and have finally thought of something marvellous, only now you're at your desk. You might just try it anyway
The bad taste in your mouth has been resolved when you remember that you took out two bowls this morning, made the cats medical food in one and cornflakes in other then. Let’s hope the cat enjoyed Special K for breakfast as much as you appeared to have enjoyed the de-worming food you ate
Everyone else is feeling the same way with 1 to 9, especially the postman
1. The roads are gritted - two weeks after it's stopped and everything has melted
2. The weather forecast last night forgot to mention that you won't be able to open your front door this morning, as there's a seven foot high snowdrift blocking access to the car
3. Next doors cat has become a popsicle
4. Parts of you have turned blue – some of these parts you had no idea that they could turn any colour at all, let alone blue. You are still not sure which one is the more alarming of the two
6. Iceland, the shop, goes directly in to receivership upon opening its doors
6. You are wrapped up in so many layers of clothes that you are actually wearing approximately 1/3 of your wardrobe – and whilst only putting out the rubbish at night
7. Anything hot you cling to with a passion, even spending time in close proximity to an old exhaust and its fumes seems appealing right now - with the added effect of drowsiness and sleep/rendering you severely unconscious
8. You’ve seen children burst into tears, which has immediately been followed with what appears to be hail raining down from their faces to the ground
9. Someone actually “took back their words” as the sentence and breath they’ve just uttered was still hanging in the air, free to take back
10. Dogs urinating have been frozen to the ground in mid-stream
You are being constantly reminded by every medium possible that there’s only x amount of shopping days left, but have you done anything about it so far? Not a Christmas snowballs chance in hell – you’ll leave it to the very last minute, just like every other year
7 short friends of yours and a very pale looking woman have just got a few weeks work on stage
You will be spending sometime with a family member that you’re not quite sure how they’re related to you and have given up asking or even really caring
You’ve eaten more mince pies that you once thought was humanly possible
The office party seems all the talk, until the day after it happened – then no one wants to admit what happen, and to whom, why it did and what the dire consequences were
You’re looking forward to that “Turkey hangover” on Boxing day
You seem to have sent more cards this year than you’ve actually received, or have received more cards than actually sent – there’s no equilibrium. Why is that???
Everyone around you on a packed train, crowded street, bar or restaurant has an annoying Christmas ring-tone, which goes off every few seconds and is making you fully aware it’s Christmas time, even if you didn’t know already and was trying to hide from that very fact
Large overweight men with white facial hair seem very popular with children
Whilst last minute shopping, you keep an eye out on want you’d really want for Christmas and are bound to exchange your presents for anyway
Try something that scares you. If trying something that scares you, scares you - be sure to try that too. In fact, you'll be doing that anyway - so ignore that last line
Enjoy life to the full - wear someone else's underwear that you've never met. Look to Oxfam or the Cancer Research shop for this
Ponder for a while on life's more important questions, like: If reality shows really depict reality, why are there so many challenges involving fancy-dress? What happens to all of those odd socks? Where does belly-button lint come from and what makes it smell so bad?
Find a way to reach out to someone you don't know. NOTE: Do not get this confused with a reach-around, they are two very very different things. Strangers often don't take kindly to this and if they do, be worried, very worried indeed
Spend some time with an important person in your life - you. If you happen to find that you don't like yourself or happen to clash on many issues, not much can really be done about that, sorry. Perhaps try couples counseling for you and yourself
Be the bigger person and perhaps apologise for something that you have been accused of, falsely or otherwise. NOTE: Michael Jackson – a week does, still, only consist of 7 days - better start saying sorry first thing!
Maintain a positive outlook on life; try this even if you are the former Spice Girl that thought the G8 was a new boy band. Honestly, intelligence isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Then again, it's quite easy to say that knowing full well that they will never know
Trying to be more understanding, “walk a mile in another mans shoes” – at that point, who cares? You'll be a mile away and have his shoes
Be more charitable; auction all of your neighbors belongs on eBay, donate it all to the Live 8 cause – after all, charity does start at home (it doesn't really say whose though)
Adopt a more philosophical outlook on life, try an Hume's Empiricism (scientific-causal-necessity) or Rene Descartes' Dualism ( Method/Doubt) – if that fails, a few drinks in a bar with some friends will do and putting the world to rights that way
Everything you do from the time you realise you are going to be late increases your lateness, by a factor of ten
The entire cosmos appears to be ganging up against you, all in an effort to make you even more late – and you ARE now taking it very personally
Everything that can go wrong does, and every thing that hasn't is just waiting to
You find religion and start praying to everything that is holy to get you there on time
Besides you being late, everything you rely on is too: trains, tubes, buses, cabs, planes, cars, even your legs - nothing is exempt (see points 1 & 2)
Your excuses become more and more elaborate by each passing second, instead you just end up going with the truth - which no one believes anyway
People start calling and text-messaging you to find out what's happened, knowing full well you are just running late but still they show forced-genuine concern laced with sarcasm and irony
Everyone treats this as if it's the first time in your history that it's happened - when really it's the 9 th time this week and it's only Monday
To justify to your self that you're not really all that late, you begin rounding down the time to the nearest-last 10 minutes – much the same way that you're not 26, just 25+1 or not 30, just 30+1, only in reverse
You swear this will never happen ever, ever, again – of course it will and there's really no point in making idle-swears
Every action you make is rather deliberately and unnecessarily restrictive, quite akin to changing into an oversized pantomime cows costume in a toilet cubical
The meal being served could not be exactly classified as a “meal”, unless it's given to a 6 week old fetus during the gestation period
The air hostesses catering to your needs are polite to the possibility of all being homicidal maniacs that you wouldn't trust sharpening an axe in a playground full of children
You've just had your elbow hit by a passing trolley in the gangway, if not then you will next time – hostesses never forget a missed target, now, it's personal!
You're compacted exceptionally close to a complete stranger you'll never see again, much like a pantomime cow costume that already came with someone for the head
An awkward queue for the toilet forms, 'awkward' in the sense that any more than one person queuing for the purposes of what they intend to do, in what essentially is a small hall-room cupboard, is deemed awkward – especially as forced polite smiles are exchanged when passing by each other, fully unknowing what they're going in to, or fully knowing what they've just left
The video shown on safety procedure scares you to the point of never wanting to fly ever again, in fact you want to leave right now and are just prying out the nearest window – and you're the pilot
Taking off and landing was extremely bumpy or so it appears, especially to the in-flight meal – which has now been promptly displayed over rows 4-9 and 13-14, from several people (NOTE: All in all, it was still far smoother than most train journeys. However, the amount of vomit still remains the same)
Everyone falls into the following hierarchy, and in very distinguishable categories: Cabin Crew are untouchable, Air Hostesses are impeccable, First Class are exceptional, Business Class are professional and Economy Class might just as well be rowing (as in the olden sea voyages and how the “economy class” used to travel)
You're airborne, several thousand feet from terra firma and are from a species that has only just mastered the programmable video-recorder – and you have every faith in how the science works in where you are right now
Top 10 tell tale signs that someone is moving on to a new company
They've begun answering the phone with another company name
Wearing a business suit to work, with bowler hat - when everyone else wears casual clothes, and at all times
So far this month they've had 8 dental appointments, 17 doctors, 7 grandmothers die and their own bar mitzvah to go to - even though they are 33 and Church of England
They've been drafting an email for the past day with the subject line - '' Sucks to be you, assholes " and to ALL USERS - containing words such as idiots, gross misconduct gone unchecked, stolen office furniture, and appearing on eBay soon
Lunch hours have become longer and longer - the last one began on Thursday, three weeks ago
A request for business cards in their new companies name, new job title and headed stationary has just been made - through the existing company
They've become rather nonchalant at work, like leaving their computer on at night and even sometimes outside when it's raining
Office supplies have been going missing, last night they went home wearing a long coat rather distinctly desk shaped
They've just thrown themselves a leaving party
An enquiry has been made if someone can book their holiday time off - along with the next 28 years worth too
Top 10 things to do now that Parliament has been dissolved
Dress up in women's clothing and ride a bear around screaming for joy – literally
Let out the House of Commons to students for accommodation
Force backbenchers to earn extra money for their constituencies by making them do a sort of "bob a job" week - involving bizarre and surreal tasks, occasionally making use of the bear, perhaps wrestling it nakkied covered in honey?? (see point 1)
Have MPs perform actual surgery during their surgery hours at their local constituency – medical training or knowledge not an actual requirement
Expand the archaic laws of the House of Commons to encompass the whole of the UK – “Goats knowing thy own name shalt not to be carried”, “Wigs can only be worn by people not needing them on Thursdays”
Allow BBC1s Changing rooms to redesign the whole of 10 Downing street with only the resources of Pound Stretcher available to them
Make use of the police guarding the House of Commons Halls of Residence by hiring them out to celebrities for protection; perhaps have them fight one another in a Gladiatorial style competition
Tie and bound together MPs that will not be returning to the House of Commons and make a live human raft out them – offering crossings of the Thames to tourists
Give the Conservatives a chance to take some photos of them running the country – as let's face it they have as much chance of winning as Michael Jackson ever does of being allowed within 100 meters of a child, ever again
No one is running the country? Let's try and sell it on Ebay, before/if anyone notices – I hear America is looking for a new place to store things
Top 10 tell tale signs that you've been April Fooled
All of your belongings have currently been glued to the ceiling, this may also include elderly relatives – depending on the adventurousness of your pranker
You woke up this morning in a bath full of ice with a badly drawn scar down your right side and several items blacked out from your Donors card
Someone changed your order from tea to coffee – and repeats this all day. Not really a “wild” April fool in itself, but they've been spiking your drink with small amounts of alcohol – small enough not to be noticed, until you're nakkied and screaming at traffic, around 3pm
You fall for the pregnancy scare trick, until the follow up gag in around 9 months time – really unsure who the April fool is on that one, and the follow through is a wee bit extreme
You are an elderly relative and are glued to a ceiling
Somebody had rearranged ALL of your furniture at home, a horrendous idea – especially if you're blind
You have toilet paper stuck to the base of your shoe, but haven't been to toilet all day – you've just been soiling yourself
You're constantly watching out for being April fooled all day long, and it doesn't happen – that's the ZEN April fool, cool huh?
You've read this and found it funny
Congestion Charge increases by over 50%, on wait … that might be true
Top 10 tell tale signs that it's St Patrick's Day.
More people claim of Irish heritage today that would normally admit to it on any other day during the year, all in order for an excuse to get drunk midweek – guilt free
The rivers of the world (if there happens to be a parade on in the city) flow green. This is always presumed to be from green dye in honour of St Patrick's day, when in actually fact it's the result of the Guinness in urine, no toilets to hand and a river near by
The luck of the Irish be with you, and you're damn well hoping the “luck” will ensure you get home in one piece tonight
Every bar you go to will be decked out with the typical decor of the Irish: Lepricorns, Shamrocks, etc etc. The only pubs that won't be going in for this are the Irish themed pubs, they're having a day off – seeing as they have this 365 days of the year and you barely notice anyway
As with the Germans and do not mention the war – don't mention the defeat by the French last weekend, a very taboo subject (much, much more than the Potato Famine)
To get the real St Patrick's Day feel of things, drink outside the bar - as smoking is now banned in bars in Ireland. NOTE: There are three times the current population of Ireland, that were born in Ireland, living outside it now – and there's no way the country could accommodate them if they all come back at once – I think all it would take is a harsh winter to make room for them all
Each pint of Guinness you'll drink tonight will have a meticulously poured shamrock on its head, whether it's there on not – you will see it as so, one of the side effects of drinking Guinness. Oh, and you'll mentioned it each time you see it, even after the 14 th pint and the 64 th you've seen that evening
The music of River Dance and Michael Flatley will be resurrected for tonight only, and one night is really pushing it in my books. Why is it that he appears to ooze glitter-based baby oil from each pore in his skin?
Many a verse of “Wild Rover” will be sung tonight, if not, I think you'll find that's sacrilege by the rules of the day
You're reading this in a bar, drinking Guinness, before lunch time – and it's not your first pint, you stopped counting a long, long time ago
Top 10 Tell Tale Signs That Your Band Is About To Break Up
Someone has suggested a break for a while, the person that suggested the break has already formed another band even before suggesting that break - and the penny didn't even drop then???
Someone leaves, and takes all the talent with them
You first read about the break up in a press release, by your record company
All the red top newspapers have mentioned a possible split and it appears to be selling records - so you might as well just go with the flow
There are "creative differences" in the band - everyone else is an asshole, and you're not
The record label has released a Greatest Hits album and this is the first time you were even aware of it
You turn up to start recording the new album - alone
You have only just noticed the World Wide tour you are half way through is entitled the "Farewell Tour - Last Chance To See, Ever!"
Your last single entered the charts in the bargain bin section of Woolworths
You started out as a quartet and now you're a solo artist
Everything you buy is marketed as: 'for one' - 'meals for one', 'half bottles of wine for one' followed by - 'washing up for one', which is even more closely followed by 'crying yourself to sleep, for one'
You keep cats, against their own will
All of your coupled-up friends never invite you over anymore, as logic dictates - two people can't talk to one person at the same time and get a whole lot of sense out of it
Everyone everywhere are performing PDA's (Public Displays Of Affection) just to rub your face in being single and alone - or so it appears
to you
All the music being played everywhere you go is all about 'being with someone' - it's as if the radio station play-list compilers and whomever just put on the last track have combined forces to make your life a living hell
'Letting yourself go' has now turned into your latest hobby, and strangely enough, this is something you are quite proud of
You once felt the need to have more 'space' but now you have so much of it you're at a loss of what to do with it all - perhaps ‘let' some it out, for advertising purposes
Friends that you believed knew you well, don't after all – as they try to fix you up with the most inappropriate dates, that are really only treading water in the shallow end of the gene pool
Friday and Saturday nights have now become 'good TV nights' - instead of 'good sex nights'
Top 10 tell tale signs that you are waiting in a GP's surgery
No matter how ill you are, you still feel as though you are the healthiest one there
Everyone gave you an awkward stare at you when you walked in, and for no apparent reason other that you are there, just as you now join in doing yourself - and for no apparent reason than they are there too
You've just found out by reading the magazines that something known as the 'Y2K bug' might be a serious problem in three years time
From the posters on the wall and other literature to hand, you now believe you have three more things wrong with you since arriving
You start playing 'Guess The Ailment' game in your own head, along with everyone else there too - best and worst case scenarios being an altogether different game
Everybody seems to be getting seen before you, and it all appears that you're being punished for being ill in the first place - this IS usually the case
All the children running about do not appear to belong to any of the people waiting with you, perhaps they came with the fixtures and fittings of the surgery?
You're more worried about picking up more illnesses from the other patients sitting with you, than you are about your own reasons for being there. This increases ten fold when somebody new walks in - especially if you can't guess what's wrong with them (see the game in No. 5)
You notice that the receptionists all have a personal grudge with each and every patient in the waiting room – well, that's how it comes across from their attitude, and when anyone speaks to them
It’s the only way you can stay in the country, even though you are from there anyway
You were bet that you wouldn’t go through with it, and you are never one to back down from anything - anyway, the money will come in useful for the honeymoon
All of your friends are married, and the only ones that aren't you don't really want to know anymore - this seems the perfect solution, if a little extreme
You've had this list of things you want laying about for ages now - this appears to be the best way to get it all
After hearing the gag “I once when to a pornographic wedding, where all the pages were stuck together” - you wanted to see if you could pull it off
You feel like having a really nice two week holiday, only with a rather expensive and monumental start to it
This is a great way to put a stop to all ‘those’ rumours about your sexuality, and that cross-dressing period you went through some time ago
You’ve never really liked the in-laws, and this is the ideal way to get at them
It’s a great way to see all your relatives drunk, and also whole bunch of strangers drunk that have now become your relatives
Top 10 things to do, or have done, by the time you are/were 30
Been so badly in debt that the UN tries to draw sanctions against you
Have discovered your own personal drinking limit, by popping out for a quick drink with a few friends. Promptly followed by loosing 5 hours of you life, waking up supporting a tattoo of a persons name that you have no idea to whom it belongs, and 123 miles from where you first started and have no idea how you got there – and in the spare bedroom, of a house that you have never been to before
Break up with someone so badly with that not only have you erased that time from your memory (and omitted it from your CV too) and that persons name from your memory, as have all your friends - in fact those who shared they same name have now changed theirs just for you
Come to realise that the music you used to listen to in your youth was the best music on the planet and will ever be – and the music these days is just ‘noise’ and that’s all there is to say on the matter
Have at least one key on your key-ring, or in a draw, that you have no idea as to which door it belongs to or in fact have ever known
Thought you’d seen it all, until some MP is caught by a tabloid doing something (that can only be described as ‘Freaky’) to something/someone else, or having something ‘freaky’ done to them – all of which is sooooo bad that it makes you retch each time you think of it, or an MP (kinda hard when it comes around to voting, as the booths are rather small and have no buckets)
Moved more times that you once thought was humanly possible - unless you are a gypsy, homeless or a crustacean of some sort
Occupied over a quarter of your life being ‘on hold’ to some company or another, and have been forced to listen to music that you wished you were deaf for the very first time ever – well, until the next time, and then the next – ad infinitum
Will now know that the ‘Things to have done by the time you are 30’ lists seen in popular women’s and mens’ magazines are impossible, unless you are a) independently wealthy, b) have a keenness in meeting your maker sooner than expected, c) double jointed, d) have more than 30 years to fit all them in and e) in a few cases, a hermaphrodite
Top 10 tell tale signs that you’re about to be dumped
AKA
Top 10 tell tale signs that your partner is about to leave you
Your partner, during lovemaking, calls you by another name and appears to have completely forgotten yours – they’ve also stopped referring to you by your name everywhere else in life. In fact, you’ve started answering to that name too, as you’ve become so used to it – at work, out with friends, you’ve even started answering the phone with that name
Upon you suggesting “Where shall we go for our holidays this year?”, they reply with … “Let it be a surprise” – as it will be, for you anyway, seeing as you won’t be there
You have noticed gradual changes in your other half, they have also seen gradual changes within you and the outcome being a whole new person
If you don’t live together, you start to see more and more of your stuff that you thought you had lost appear, as they start to clear you out of their life – or the stuff appears on EBay
Your partner has entertained the idea of a threesome, with you not being present or in the same borough
They’re best friend has just become single, and you start to see a ‘longing’ look in their face. Much the same as a dog has looking towards the door, waiting for its master to come home. There may be some whining involved with this look too
You start to see your friends around more, as one of them has been told in confidence that the relationship is about to end – and of course, they’ve gone and told the rest. If they all show up at once this may be mistaken as an intervention, so if you are on crack don’t worry – carry on as usual
The ‘in case of emergencies contact name’ for your partner is changed to one you’re sure you once heard whilst making love
They stop commenting on the attractiveness of other people, something that they always have done before, up until now – as they don’t want to give the game away too soon (NOTE: If I have made you think or caused any trouble by this one, my sincere apologies - honestly)
A musical artist or band appears on the scene and you have no idea what to call their style of music, or even know how to categorise it/what to call it - and frankly, that rather scares you
Someone called you Sir or Madam, and for the first time you didn't turn around to see who they were talking to, or if they were really addressing your parents
You tell someone to put a jacket on just as they go out, as it looks like it might get nippy later on
You go out to buy some new clothes and spend the entire time 'tsking' and thinking “you will never see me dead in clothes or fashion like that” - and you do this at every shop you go to
A 'Retro' trend starts, from an era that you lived through - and which you firmly believe with total conviction and with no possibility of any hesitation what-so-ever that it's far too soon to have a 'retro' trend from that time. Oh, and mostly everything you own is from that period anyway
Your favourite film from your youth gets remade with the hottest young stars of today - and you have no idea who they are, let alone why they would ruin such a classic (and you are very, very bitter about it all and are intend on boycotting the film and consider 'flaming' it on a movie website, if you only knew what flaming was)
Today, you know that shouldn't do the things you could do when you were younger, but you would do, given half the chance and if you could get away with it – a different turn on ‘shoulda’, ‘woulda’ and ‘coulda’, with age applied
Someone, for the very first time, stood up and offered you their seat on public transport – and you are not a) a pregnant woman, b) an octogenarian or c) wanting to sit down at all, but you take it anyway
You forget your own birthday – on purpose, for the third year in a row (hoping everyone else will follow suit)
You desperately miss one thing from your youth, actually it started out as many – but as your years go by you forget more and more about those times, to the point where you no longer have any harkens back to those days. Although the desire is still there, you’ve just forgotten and have no way of realising – welcome you to old age
Contact the Readers Digest. Seeing as they always know where EVERYBODY is. I've moved eleven times, and each time they find me within the first month – just to tell me that I'm lucky enough to have been entered in to a prize draw for £50,000 (I wonder if Saddam has ever won????)
Ask his Mother. As Mothers always give out your phone number and address to anyone calling up saying that they're an old school friend, and we've lost contact; just make sure you know which schools he attended.
Spam all users on Hotmail with the subject line “Are you wanted? And an Evil dictator? Are you looking for a good time?”
Order a Pizza to Mr S Hussein, Baghdad . Those delivery boys are very, very resourceful. Then all you need to do is follow them .. a small red scooter should not be hard to miss and keep trail of on the war torn streets of Baghdad , or hard to keep up with, even on foot (as they're are not very fast).
Google him.
Try Directory Enquires, one of the new numbers first (just to show that you're paying attention with what's going on around you) and then the old one (just to show you still care).
Register with a Saddam Hussein look-a-like agency, and just sit back and wait for the casting calls.
Try FriendsReunited.co.uk, or their offshoot – EvilDictatorsReunited.com.
Ask any ex-girlfriend that he's dumped. They always know where you are, and at all times. They also have an innate knack of showing up, around father's day with a little person.
Announce on a global live television broadcast that he has just won the lottery, with a free “get out of being executed” card thrown in for a prompt response.
Top 10 RED NOSE DAY sponsored events you will never see ….
Michael Jackson on a sponsored child mind, with the aid of Matthew Kelly, Garry Glitter and the whole of the Catholic priesthood
A sponsored cough throughout the complete trial of the “Millionaire Cheat”
David Blunkett in a sponsored toboggan race – just to see how much it would scare the guide dog
A sponsored complete Cabinet resign, to be immediately replaced with all the failed UK Eurovision entries (just for the sheer hell of it)
“Exiled Big Brother” with the latest house mate - Saddam Hussein. Will he be voted out after just ONE weapons inspection?
Don Johnson on a sponsored £5bn money launder, errr – allegedly. With 10% going to the Sopranos “James Gandolfini”, as a pay rise - also allegedly
Michael Barrymore on a sponsored swim (I know it's an old one, but we're all into recycling at the moment)
Another Celebrity Fame Academy where you don't wonder “who the hell are they?” - to at least two of them
Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden on a sponsored Star-Spangled Banner 36hour-singing-marathon (another classic)
George Bush/Tony Blair on a sponsored go to war/not go to war (you decide) – with all the proceeds going to the life's they will ruin during the war, or in past wars
Wasn’t it about time Liam Gallagher had his teeth kicked in anyway?
Mark Owen, who? Take That, what?
'Beckhams Internet Rumours' - Would that be that he’s just found out what the Internet is?
'Green Goddesses' being used during the fire strikes – Wasn’t she the BBC1 Breakfast show Aerobic instructor during the early 80s? How would a 75 year old woman be any good in a fire-fight? Other than handing out cups of tea and asking “Are you all right dear?” and "OooOooOOo – isn’t it hot around here" - repeatedly for hours
“ITV1s Popstars: The Rivals blunder denied” – Why don’t they just admit it … that the show was a very, very bad idea in the very first place, just look how well Hear'Say are doing? Oh, did I get that one wrong?
British Backpacker 'saved' by chewing gum – I wonder if it was hard to hike in those white stilettos?
'Winston Churchill has been named the Greatest Briton' – I didn’t know it was all about girth, I wonder if Fern Britton got a mention?
'Michael Jackson dangled baby over a hotel balcony' – It might have been a suicide attempt by the baby. Well, if he was my father ….
"Bomber targets Dutch Ikea stores"– Well, at least they’ll be easy to put back together if anything does happen
Top 10 reasons why people are afraid of me …(A really early "Top 10" that never saw the light of day)
Most of the time I am nekkied, and screaming
I like soup
I see things that aren’t always there. Once, I saw an elephant climbing a tree, and I threw buns at it all day to get it down – I later found out it was a man on a ladder cleaning the windows of Woolworths on the high street. I also found out that people do not like having their mobile phones snatched from them and then hurled at people up ladders.
Jesus speaks to me, only I don’t understand Portuguese.
I have been forbidden by The UN to breed, and my testicles have been incarcerated – but I still have visitation rights, I see them once a month and they look like they’re doing well
My long-hippy-like-hair gets caught up in the spokes on peoples bikes, so I must stop placing it there – and my knees get very muddy doing this too
I like to show and tell people how much I like to run, but they are always shocked when they see that I am actually referring to my diarrhoea – and also when I show them Polaroids of past “runs”
All of my ex-girlfriends, employers, casual acquaintances, people I have once met, even some cautious strangers have restraining orders against me
Parts of the bible predict my arrival; this is also probably why the church has “barred” me from all of its “venues”. I don’t think it's that fact that I once mistook the font of holy water in a church as a urinal added to my case either
I’m the guy that always talks through the entire movie at cinemas, also I’m the guy that coughs loudly at the important bits in the film so that you miss them
Top 10 things you should avoid on the 5th of November
Being called Guy
Being called Guy, and dressing like a tramp
Being called Guy, and dressing like a tramp, with paper shoved inside your clothes
Being called Guy, and dressing like a tramp, with paper shoved inside your clothes, also having a head uncannily shaped like a football (soccer-ball)
Being called Guy, and dressing like a tramp, with paper shoved inside your clothes, also having a head uncannily shaped like a football (soccer ball), and remaining motionless all day long
Being called Guy, and dressing like a tramp, with paper shoved inside your clothes, also having a head uncannily shaped like a football (soccer ball), and remaining motionless all day long, but with children pushing you around in a cart asking for a “penny” for you
Being called Guy, and dressing like a tramp, with paper shoved inside your clothes, also having a head uncannily shaped like a football (soccer ball), and remaining motionless all day long, but with children pushing you around in a cart asking for a “penny” for you, then deciding to spend the evening in the company of strangers
Being called Guy, and dressing like a tramp, with paper shoved inside your clothes, also having a head uncannily shaped like a football (soccer ball), and remaining motionless all day long, but with children pushing you around in a cart asking for a “penny” for you, then deciding to spend the evening in the company of strangers, at a communal fireworks display
Being called Guy, and dressing like a tramp, with paper shoved inside your clothes, also having a head uncannily shaped like a football (soccer ball), and remaining motionless all day long, but with children pushing you around in a cart asking for a “penny” for you, then deciding to spend the evening in the company of strangers, at a communal fireworks display, and then taking a nap on a large stack of palates
(this one involves a lot of fire, so lets just leave it at that)
10 tell tale signs that your parent’s in-law hate you
Each Christmas and Birthday you always get the same present from them – roadkill
In every correspondence whether it be letters, greeting or post cards you are always referred to as the “bastard son in-law/bitch daughter in-law"
They let you marry their off-spring
Whenever you walk into room full of your in-laws everyone stops talking, the rooms falls silent and they ALL stare at you … one elderly aunt in the corner, upon her eyes making contact with yours, suddenly gags, retches and then vomits
They let you marry into their family (similar to point 4, only much, much worse)
You are blamed for all family disasters, even before you had anything to do with them - at the moment you are being held accountable for a distant cousin that fell pregnant out of wedloc in 1873
Not a single Crime Watch episode goes by without an “anonymous” caller placing you at the scene of the crime – so far, you are helping the police with the inquires to: 320 murders, 623 robberies and an assault on a dolphin named Geoff
They are always making excuses as to why you can not accompany your partner when you visit them – the last excuse used “The cat’s allergic to you”, and before that “The colour of your hair clashes with our dining room rug”
They profusely insist on being alive
Ever wondered who leaves the cap of the toothpaste off, or the dustbin lids off after the bin men have been?
Everyone starts dressing like another ice age has just arrived, and not as if it’s actually the first ever week of bad weather
You know at least three people with a cold or flu at the moment, but are unsure about one of them … as they might be just jumping on the bandwagon. If they come back with a tan from being “ill” for a week then you know something is wrong
The heating is turned on at your office (or at home), only due to the lack of maintenance - it doesn’t work … this will be fixed just in time for summer
Department stores open their Santa Grottos and it’s only October … no one has even thought of Christmas yet, let alone fat guys in red suits
You notice that it’s raining a lot more than usual, even though it isn’t - it just feels that way (see 10 tell tale signs that summer is here)
Nobody REALLY wants to go outside at the end of the day. NOTE: Employers, lock the doors at 17:31 … everyone still inside has to stay and work, take advantage of this situation as it only lasts a week
Women start wearing tights (with the “stairways to heaven” appearing AS soon as you even look at them) and men start wearing jackets (not, I repeat not, suitable jackets) over THEIR suit jackets – this make them look even more ridiculous than women with ladders so big that only firemen would find a use for
Christmas “Number One” songs are announced, and as guaranteed as Jeffery Archer is of having found out the TRUE meaning of a “tossed salad”, is that Cliff Richard will be releasing something or other … as he always has done, and since the beginning of time. NB: God Is increasing concerned that Cliff Richard will never die (see 10 things you didn't know about God)
The office Christmas party is getting in its preliminary stages, as people start eying-up prospective partners to spend a few drunken moments with and the rest of the year avoiding them because of those few drunken moments
Flu jabs are the new fashion accessory for the winter season, which is closely followed by “Hell” for a few days, and then sadness - at the knowledge that you will never be the “one” (see number 2) whenever you call in sick with a cold or the Flu
+1. With your partners, sensual massage oils in the evening are now replaced with Vicks vapour rub instead
The quickest way to enlightenment is to buy a new bulb
Let only goodness in to your life, and leave the backdoor open, on the catch, so that badness can leave .. make sure goodness wipes its feet before coming in though
Treat all those with the same amount of respect as you yourself would like to be treated, except Erasure and Wheatus, of course, as they only like “A Little Respect”
Everything that goes around comes around, just watch a busy roundabout on a multi-junction road for that to be seen as true
The road ahead may be long and bumpy, but with the right tires and suspension, shocks can be avoided
Do not see the bad things around you only see the good things ahead, non-prescription drugs are excellent facilitators for this process
When you feel like the WHOLE the world is against you … its probably true and you must have done something real bad for THAT to happen
Ignore the indiscretions of others and forgive them, but do make a note of them as blackmail can be a great way to get ahead in life quickly
Those of us who do not suffer fools gladly should avoid clowns and day-time TV talk shows
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today, unless you have something better to do, then by all means go ahead
+1. Good things come to those who wait, but bad thigs often get couriered
The advent of Steam - no one really likes saunas anyway, also watching stream rising from a kettle is no way to pass the time
Electricity - costs way too much, everyone prefers batteries anyway
Telecommunications - this only serves the people you are trying to avoid and gives them 24hours service of being able to contact you anywhere and at anytime
Commerce - buy anything, sell anything which all adds-up to being “spammed” constantly by companies offering penis extensions or revolutionary hair treatments (via email, post and sms)
Plumbing – we ALL take it for granted 99% of the time, until a plumber charges you a months salary for changing a washer in 5 seconds flat
Transport – ease of commuting from A to B, until A and 1/2 happens to be a traffic jam that lasts way past the time of your favourite TV show, which you forgot to tape. Then the method of transportation becomes a swear word, and you gain a new found hatred for no one in particular
Television – 120 Channels with nothing on, ever
The Internet – Emails, Porn and mp3s … do I really need to say anymore?
Pharmaceuticals – “you spend your entire youth on drugs to get out of your head and your entire old age on drugs to get back in again”
Aviation – Cheap flights that offer no comfort, at all, whatsoever … with over-booked passengers often asked to fill in for the cabin-crew or sometimes pilots (but only if they have drank enough beforehand)
The very thought of John Major getting his “freak on” with Edwina Currie and for four years!!???!!
A-Level results being re-graded by the same people that counted ballots in the Florida Presidential election
Hear’Say (well, they were)
Jeffery Archer renewing his subscription to The Sun
Another MOBO Party, ever
Robbie Williams telling EMI to rename themselves “Robbie”, double the money and then kill Gary Barlow or he walks
George W Bush
Michael Barrymore having another pool party with the invite reading, “Non-Swimmers welcome, must bring own drugs, and perforated anal passage”
BBC’s FameAcademy (look how well Hear’Say are doing)
Jockeys (sorry, this one is for me .. short people in brightly coloured clothes are a REAL bad idea, especially when they’re riding mammals 20 times their size)
You arrive at work one morning to be confronted by an empty box sitting on your desk, with a note attached that reads – “Put everything you own in here, signed … Personnel”
Your last review went so badly that you still wake up in the middle of the night screaming, and so does the person that gave it
Everyone in the office throws you an impromptu leaving party, only you had no idea you were going
Your boss keeps looking over your shoulder whilst you’re working, in fact, he’s now taken to sitting on your lap during the hours of 9am to 5pm
No one asks your opinion anymore in meetings, although one or two people have started giving you theirs instead
You’ve just had your third written warning, of the hour
People in the office have stopped asking you out for lunch, in fact they’ve just started throwing theirs at you
You start to notice that no one invites you to participate in projects anymore, except one …. leaving, and yours
The company files for Chapter 11, and you’ve been cited in all the legal documentation as being chiefly responsible for this necessary course of action
You receive your P45, tied to a brick, thrown through the window of your car, from the head of personnel, in a “drive by sacking” at a 120mph
Top 10 signs that the stock markets ARE in real trouble
Piles of discarded stockbrokers lining the LondonCity streets
Broker companies start to permanently lock any windows above the basement floor, then promptly weld them shut
“Buy one share, get the rest free” - offers are seen everywhere
Everyone starts to panic so much, they forget what they’re panicking about and then just panic for the sake of panicking
The exchange rate has no idea whether it’s coming or going, so it takes a off week and goes to Ibiza
Everyone’s pensions become worthless, again. And aren’t even worth the cost of a phone call to cancel them. OAPs start “selling themselves” on street corners for Worthers Originals
Everyone starts to mistrust their accountants, in fact so much – they start following them home at night just to see if they live where they said they lived
People begin replacing their Monopoly-board game money with share certificates, and trying to use the Monopoly money as real currency
The FTSE index gets so low it calls the Samaritans and stays on the line for 9 hours talking about its “relationships”
The Chancellor of the Exchequer goes missing … only to be finally found on holiday in Ibiza with the exchange rate
Top 10 Favourite Rap Records by Her Majesty The Queen
Top 10 Political Strategies to Collapse Communist Regimes by Fidel Castro
Top 10 Karaoke Hits sung by Steven Hawkings
Top 10 Short Stories for Children by Stephen King
Top 10 German Jokes
Top 10 Exercise Tips by Rik Waller
Top 10 George Bushisms – for the future
“Osama who?” – upon being asked what the latest is in the search for Osama Bin Laden
“Cooperation’s and their mismanagement are damaging the economy”
“There are too many criminals in prisons these days”
“Are you sure Japan isn’t in China?”
“Just like every other country in the world we celebrate Thanks Giving too”
“We need to heighten police and community relations, we should take a note out of George Michaels book – he had the right idea on how to make contact with the police”
“Are you sure I’m president? What happened to Al Gore then? After all, he REALLY did win”
“We must run this country efficiently, as like big businesses are run – such as Enron, WorldCom and AOL”
“The war against motorists still wages on”
“We must stop paediatricians entering the priesthood”
Top 10 New Shows for the Autumn Season
Ant and Dec disappear up their own arseholes
Reality TV show on Reality TV – 24 hour a day reality TV show on a reality TV show
Prince Charles interviews plant life
Librarian Idol – contestants from all over the UK compete in a pop-idol-type show to win a place as an assistant librarian in a local library in Horsham, East Sussex
Changing Rooms goes to H.M.S Prison
Cliff Richards conversations with God
House of Commons Gone Wild – geriatric members of the house of commons on Spring Break in Florida – often topless
Open University Lectures from Jordan, George Bush and Jade from Big Brother
Newsnight “It’s a Knockout” special
Davina McCall weekend on ITV1 – a whole weekend WITHOUT Davina McCall on TV
Top 10 “Harold Shipman – The Musical” songs (from Top 10 videos you will NOT be able to rent from BlockBusters – July 21st 2002)
Another One Bites The Dust – Queen
Sacrifice- Elton John
Oops... I Did It Again - Britney Spears
Ironic - AlanisMorissette
Live and Let Die – Paul McCartney and Wings
Knockin' on Heaven's Door – Bob Dylan
Killer – Seal (or Adamski)
Stayin' Alive - Bee Gees
Bad – Michael Jackson
Help! - The Beatles
Top 10 bad ideas - part 1
An arsonists house warming party
ANY Catholic priests, Jonathon King and Gary Glitter all becoming Boy Scout leaders
Another Pop Idol series
Reforming The Beatles – by killing the surviving two
Osama Bin Laden singing the star spangled banner, in the 4th July parade
Harry Potter 6 – “My Smack Addiction Years”
Cliff Richard covering Prodigy’s “Smack my bitch up” for the BBC3 RE:COVERED series
Princess Diana “Crash” ride at Disneyland Paris
Royal Mail charging YOU for your post to be delivered to YOU
Jeremy Beadle
10 reasons why Nuns scare the hell out of me AKA Top 10 facts about nuns
From afar, they look like penguins, from close up, they look even more like penguins. I once I saw a nun with an egg resting in-between her two feet, although I really can’t be sure if this was right as I was very drunk at the time.
Nuns are well-known for embezzlement and racketeering, they are one of the most feared syndicates in the Mob (or the Catholic Church it’s more commonly known as, with the Pope being the don, of course )
They often get mistaken for Zebras in the outback of Africa, many a nuns head can be seen adorning the trophy cabinet of big game hunters
The look silly pole-dancing in their garb (please don’t ask how I know this)
The back and white contrast can really upset the delicate visual perception of Martyn Days vision
They have no sense of humour (happy, Fred?)
Nuns are always trying to get “their freak on” with monks, each other, and short order chefs at McDonalds.
They wear lots of S&M gear beneath their clothes, but only a few of us know of that (once again, please don’t ask why or how I know this)
They look the same on back and white televisions as they do on colour televisions, this is also very disconcerting for Martyn Day and his delicate vision (also it means a cheaper TV license for viewers of “NUN Live!” - the 24 hour cable TV channel for Nuns )
Nuns are the forth emergency service, they replaced the AA as the forth emergency service in Q2 of 2001
Place a webcam in your boss’s office, and broadcast it all on the intranet/internet – to see how little work he actually does, and … how his over all strategy for world domination is coming along. NOTE: This is also great for office parties, try making a video compilation, naming it “Bosses Gone Wild”
Come into work drunk, not hungover but just out of the nearest bar. Iin fact, carry on drinking thru out the day, especially if no one notices (which is a very bad thing btw). Also have a kebab for breakfast - it makes a nice change from coffee and toast.
Never leave your chair to go to toilet; see how long it takes your colleagues to notice (if they don’t, this is ALSO a bad thing)
Become overtly sexist, with both males and females – think Benny Hill (try to get a short bald guy involved too).
Fill the water-cooler up with gin and tonic (this will also fuel point number 2)
At all meetings attended mention how worthless you are to the company, and how much you cost them each day. Hand out fact sheets full of stats on how useless you actually are and how many mistakes you’ve made since the last meeting. Perhaps put on a PowerPoint presentation?
Start wild office rumours about your colleagues and then deny it all, volunteer for a lie-detector test. Choose a rumour from the following list of subjects: Bestiality, Being caught with a member of the clergy, The mysterious disappearance of their last partner and appearance of a large mount of earth in their garden – body shaped, Embezzlement from both WorldCom and Enron (leading up to their troubles) and Illegal-alien abductions.
Replace the contents of the soap dispensers in ALL the bathrooms with crazy glue.
Handout nakkied Polaroid’s of your CEO, with you, from the last Christmas party (doctor them if you don’t have them, if you do have them - this is also bad).
Come in early and move your desk to out to the car-park, upon being asked why reply with “they can't read your mind in there” and then scream at the building “ARE YOU READING MY MIND NOW?”, before threatening it with cheese slices if they don’t back away slowly.
Hide $2 billion accidentally/deliberately in the wrong column and then force the worlds stock markets back by 5 years
Lie to your editor about the events of a party involving a 15 foot drop, and the London mayor
Become a contestant on the Big Brother. NOTE: This only works until you are evicted or walk out
Become a member of the royal family and say you have to move from your £2million property which you pay £75 a week rent on
Get filmed on an “uncovered” holiday shown “enjoying yourself” and then by default (default=shame), you will not be able to show your face in public ever again
Call in sick and then attend a Wimbledon tennis final wearing something patriotic or outrageous, which is bound to be picked up and focused on by the TV cameras. And then get promptly fired the next working day, as your face will be adorned on a multitude of newspaper sports’ pages and on that same days evening news
Start queuing early for the next instalment of StarWars, due May 25th 2005
Learn to fly a plane, but not land it and then claim in the name of Allah that this is OK
Go out for a “quiet drink” with OzzyOsbourne and then come to, 8 months later, 3000 miles from where you started, with the liver of a 93 year old Irish man and the distinct taste of bat in your mouth
Celebrate the Queens Jubilee, by paying her a visit at 3am, to her bedroom. I hear the Tower is quite nice this time of year
Any public transport taken to work feels likes a Turkish sauna, especially so when someone tries to massage you and offers aromatic oils, for an extra fee
People wear less and less clothing – which is good when it’s good - but when it’s bad, it’s REAL bad, and should be made illegal, punishable by liposuction
Everyone spends more time away from home. Which is nice, as you really get to enjoy the good weather in the company of close friends – also burglars thank you for this time away too
You notice it’s raining a lot more than usual, even though it isn’t - it just feels that way
Romance blossoms, much like flowers in spring … unlike spring, it doesn’t feel like your fucking heart has been ripped out when the romance is over and they’ve left you for a cardigan wearing librarian
The word “barbeque” comes in to fashion once again, closely followed by the phrase “called off”, which is often used with “It’s raining like a bastard”
A lot more people start exercising in readiness for their holidays. A lot more people give up exercising in readiness for their holidays, just as soon as they’ve started
A hose pipe banned in enforced once again, even though it rains 98% of the year
Men’s Hawaiian shirts make a reappearance for the umpteenth year in a row – and the chance of them ever visiting Hawaii is as remote as NEVER wearing those damn shirts every summertime
The music charts are plagued with annoying pop songs that are instantly forgettable. Much the same way that feeling rough the next day from too much alcohol is also instantly forgettable whilst you’re drinking again
Drinking into oblivion, and then repeating it the following afternoon, and being able to do too
Waking up at noon on weekdays
Waking up at noon on weekdays when you should have been in lectures at 9am and thinking “sod it! I’ll get the notes off somebody there” – these days it’s not as if you can wake up at noon and think “sod it! I’ll get paid by somebody else at work”
Grants/Student loans – being paid for just showing up
Having an eclectic array of friends, all of them generally doing nothing with their life’s too
Spending more money on drink in one afternoon than you do on anything else in a month
Coming to at 3am and wondering what’s happened to you all day
An Extenuating Circumstances form – if only we can have these for everything else in life too. i.e. Errrrr … I’ve missed my period, can I have a two week extension please?
Anything that goes wrong you’ll deal with next week, or next Friday, and then you can deal with it the following week – and so on and so on and so on
Your lunch is liquid, banned within prohibition times and definitely impairing your judgement … this also fuels point one
Everyone’s in casual clothes, and for you that means wearing someone else’s underwear – most probably the opposite sex and bought from some sort of charity shop
You start hating Monday’s with a passion, but yesterday you didn’t
You leave work early, Thursday to be more precise
You plan ahead for your Monday morning blues/hangover …. call in sick today, for then
The evening will end up with you being either driven home, carried home or not going home at all
You aim to spend the next 48 hours forgetting that you work, then the following 120 making up for it
Anything goes today, and damn the consequences .. see point one
Ask someone the time and when they tell you disagree with them, then open up a lively debate on the matter. Get other passengers to join in.
Randomly threaten fellow commuters with violence, or violets (all depending if there’s a flower stall near by)
Talk to the pigeons, respond to them occasionally as if they’ve just asked YOU a question.
Fix your gaze directly into another commuter’s eyes, but stare straight through them. If they stare back at you, no matter how briefly, smile, then laugh loudly, throwing your head back. Perhaps start screaming at them - see how the mood takes you.
If someone’s on the phone grab it and tell the person on the other end of the line to call back “as you’re having sex right now and this call is messing up the rhythm”
Ask everyone around you if their name happens to be Keith, when you have finally asked everybody … start again, but with the name Margery. Then go back to Keith, repeat loop as necessary.
Start to strip … slowly.
Swap around peoples briefcases and bags - this will make an interesting day for them at work
If someone is chewing gum, try and wrestle it from their mouths - as it often tastes better when someone else has started it first.
Count how many people on the platform you are likely to kill that weekend.
This fortune will self destruct in 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 ……..
The chefs “special sauce” that the waiter insisted upon you trying would have also aided in fathering a child for him
Your last dish used to answer to the name of rover
Everyone had a good laugh at you trying to use chopsticks - and that included me
Tip the waiter generously, as only HE has the antidote to the poison you’ve just ingested
Help! I am trapped inside a fortune cookie writing factory. Please send help and tell my parents that I am OK. I will contact you again ….
WARNING: This restaurant has been closed three times due gross health violations, see health act 1973 section 3 entitled “Immediate Death contracted from Oriental Foods” and section 2 entitled “Informing your next of kin ASAP”
None of the kitchen staff wash their hands, as they believe it adds to the flavour of the food
Your lover is about to run off with your best friend, and have been planning to do so ever since you introduced them to each other several months ago
Admit that your CV is one of the greatest works of fiction, also that you believe it should be nominated for the Pulitzer Prize.
Strip.
Upon discussing salary say "You couldn't afford me” and then walk out.
Offer a mint to the interviewer and then explain that their halitosis is yellowing your shirt.
Rearrange the office furniture in a FengShui style if the interview is going badly - in an effort to turn things around for you.
When asked “Would like a drink”, say "Best not, I'm trying to keep sober and I've just lost my sponsors phone number, so things could get messy if I start THAT one again".
Strip slowly.
Start to sing show tunes – badly.
Ask the interview "What happened to your face?", and "Weren’t your parents very attractive either".
Take lots of drugs and alcohol just before the interview to boost your confidence, and then spend the entire meeting in a catatonic state. Promptly followed by being forcefully removed from the premises, by security guards, which you fondly refer to as "Mother" on the way out
Smuggle cocaine rectally into, or out of the country – it ruins the packaging and it never tastes the same ever again.
Spend all night clubbing – Greenpeace do not take kindly to this kind of behaviour, as they do really care for the seals (I found this one out from personal experience - please don’t ask).
Start your own bout of ethnic cleansing – this never goes down well, especially on family holidays, and even more so with in-laws present.
Entering the gene pool of that county by impregnating the locals (male) – anything non-indigenous to the country will wreak all kinds of havoc (see Australia and myxomatosis)
Become pregnant by a local (female) – see above.
Get so drunk you wake up in a bath a full of Ice, with a note attached to you gently passing on the useful advice of “Calling for an ambulance right now would be a rather good idea”. Also, you’ve just noticing a very large scar down your side that you’ve never seen before.
Respond humorously to customs officials, upon being asked; “Did you pack your bags yourself, sir?” or “Have your bags been with you the entire time?” – unless you especially like having cavity searches, and if you are male .. having your G-spot discovered for the very first time - violently, abruptly and with immense force.
Sunbathe without the necessary protection – condoms are always a favourite or the pill, or in fact any other contraception you might have handy.
Look like a tourist – some research and a bit of planning wouldn’t go a miss. Before you leave, learn the language – fluently. Acquire the appropriate accent (see a speech coach), change your name by deed poll to blend in, try adopting some children and parents from the country you wish to travel to, acquire a taste of the local food by becoming a gourmet cook of the local cuisine, marry into a local family– via the internet.
Smuggle illegal immigrants back in the country – see point 1.
Note: Checking printing errors in your passport before leaving, as even a single space can cause problems.Example: Occupation: Therapist - Occupation: The rapist
Top 10 tell tale signs that the Christmas PR party season has been too muchA.K.A10 tell tale signs that you’re drinking too much
You’re feeling a bit worn out by the Christmas party season. Going out night after night, after night to ALL of the seasonal parties is kinda getting to you - then you realise it’s July.
You try to gather a change of clothes at home to leave at the office for the next morning, just in case you stay out all night, again - only to find that all of your clothes ARE in the office.
It’s the third time in the working week you’ve been woken up from your drunken slumber by a taxi driver outside your home, and it’s only Monday
You have more uncollected cloakroom tickets in your pockets than money, but you’ve actually got all you’re jackets and bags??????
You cut yourself shaving and bleed schnapps.
You’ve surpassed the “seeing double” phase of the evening. You notice this by trying to strike up a conversation with the four people you’ve just met in a mirrored toilet cubical.
You order a round of shots at the bar just before it closes - and the barman offers you the lunch-time menu
At 4am in the morning you’ve just discovered by amazing coincidence that the language that we slur when we're drunk is actually Swahili, and we’re all perfectly fluent in it.
The Priory refuses you entry.
The person in the bathroom mirror looks very familiar, you’ve definitely seen them around before - only you can’t quite put a name to the face.
