You're overly fond of children and not in a creepy way either
You're consistently making a list and checking it twice
You employ a staff of short people to make products, that aren't anything to do with a child slave labour force in the news recently - honest
Some of your closest aides have pointed ears, but you try not to bring any attention to that fact - they're very sensitive
Your only mode of transport all have solid deciduous antlers, distinguishable from the Bovidae family just because of that fact
Sherry and mince pies are the only two items on your weekly shopping list, surprising really you don't have any severe bowel issues
You're often seen at numerous department stores and malls all at the exact same time, curiously - thank god for outsourcing, who's to say it's ruining our economy
All of your suits are red with white trimmings, rather matching the colour of your beard and hair - also white. With all credit going to a soft drink manufacturer, bizarrely enough
You have a hectic travel schedule and quite an impossible one at that - still, it's only one day year, the rest you can just telecommute
Shops that have been selling Christmas products since early July will have one day reprieve – to sell vaguely scary tat to young children, instead of Christmas tat to grownups, for young children
It’s the only time of the year that parents allow their kids to take sweets from strangers, in fact they encourage it – unless you live anywhere near Michael Jackson, Garry Glitter or Jonathon King. Where parents still encourage their kids to run away screaming, no matter what day of the year it is
There will be a bad sequel to a scary film released at the cinema, nowhere as good as the original – a TV station is bound to be showing the original anyway so save your money and stay in
This the 2nd most popular Pagan festival taken across in the Christian transmogrification process – sadly others missed out, such as the burning of estate agents and traffic warrens, both coming in a close third in the Pagan religion calendar
Children will come Trick or Treating until the very late hours of the night, way past acceptable hours but they’re all hocked up on sugar and have no idea where they are let alone how to tell the time – an invaluable insight for young minds on what it must be like to be Keith Richards or Pete Doherty, at all times
Simpsons will show a new a Halloween special, another Treehouse Of Horror – only about two weeks late, as per usual and everyone’s forgotten about the night
Rotting Pumpkins will be seen everywhere the very next day for about a month, just as rotting Christmas trees will been seen everywhere in January to February
Fancy dress will be prominent on the streets, those of you who aren’t very attractive make this an idea time to venture out of the house – you might even get complemented on that mask you’re wearing
November will see the highest administration of children to The Priory for sugar dependency
You've just gone through more tissues than a 16 year old boy watching the Pussy Cat Dolls live on DVD
Your head feels as congested as the M25 on a Friday of a bank holiday weekend where every damn git as far as the eye can see is pulling a caravan - clearly showing how many people are actually born stupid
You've taken every cold medicine in the home and still feel and look as rough as Jade Goody on a very very good day
At least one of the medications was out of date as you're sure the expiration notice was in hieroglyphics, as a result the possibility of hallucinations are very high or so the 11 Oompa Loompas dancing around you believe
You initially laughed at how bad day-time TV is during the week but are now planning on taping a few things in the future just to keep up on their goings on
You haven't left home in so long you now know what it felt like to be in the Big Brother house, only without the desperation for fame, extremely low IQ and complete tackiness
You've been cough up things that appear to have the consistency of the fillings of stuffed crust pizzas but haven't had Italian in a while and now doubt you will for sometime
More fluids have been taken on board than at your last Christmas party when you tried to beat the world record of drinking Eggnog – when there isn’t one, never will be one and really anymore than one glass and you could call yourself the World Record Holder
You find yourself sleeping more often than necessary all in an aid to get well, only this will now screw up your regular sleeping patterns and you’ll find yourself watching god-awful Quiz show TV at 4am for the next month and spending a fortune on calling in. Not in an attempt win, but just to shout abuse as they’re all idiots, as are they’re viewers - with the distinct possibility of all being caravan owners too
I’m too ill to write this one, your probably too ill to read it and too ill to care – just like me, if not give it time and read this again when you can relate more
Top 10 tell tale signs that partying on a Thursday night is a bad idea
No matter how great things are at 3am, you will still have to contend with the hell that is Friday morning at work
Dealing with a hangover in the comfort of your bed, or on a sofa watching DVD’s is the only way – dealing with a hangover at work, smelling like Oliver Reed every time you speak is however, not
Being in meetings with the look of someone who has coming down rather severely with a bad case of flu, with no other visible symptoms of the illness is no way to progress your career at this point
Having drunk more coffee than your entire floor in a day might alert your state to others, also it’s only 09:10 and you’ve been in work for 5 minutes
You’ve just shouted at someone for speaking too loud, when in actual fact they didn’t even whisper a word – they just thought it instead
In this rather delicate state you are in, you move around so slowly in a way very similar to an elderly person in their late 80s that’s had a real real hard life and had to take over from a pit-pony on it’s days off, besides having to pulling stream trains with their teeth as a main job
Sitting at your desk staring blankly at a wall for several hours with the productiveness of an American President, is also no way to progress your career at this point either
Passing off the “alcohol sweats” or hot flushes as just the weather affecting you won’t wash when it’s snowing outside and even your breath turns to icicles (well, it would do if your alcohol content didn’t prevent them reaching that state)
Throwing your no-carbs diet out the window by eating copious amount of junk food just to rid yourself of this feeling, might also alert others to your state. Especially when you’ve been shouting at the chocolate vending machine for 20 minutes as the last Kit-Kat is stuck and you’ve now been reduced to a sobbing wreck on the floor
You’re wearing the same clothes as yesterday and have only realised this by your underwear which clearly has “Thursday” printed on them. However, you wished no one else would have noticed this, but it’s too late now as you were pretending to be Superman in a bar at 2am and you’re still wearing them on the outside
Top 10 tell tale signs it's morning/it’s one of “those days”
You've tried for sometime to push a door open you've known was only supposed to be pulled and have known for many many years. In fact, it's your own door and is clearly marked “PULL”, by you, for this sole reason – it’s not the first time it’s happened
The craving for coffee or tea has raised the concerns of your colleagues so much that they've booked you a stay at the priory
You read a paper on the journey to work but have no idea of any of the content now and if your life was on the line to remember any of it you'll be pushing up daises by the end of the day
At 3pm you've just spent the last hour trying to decipher notes you made in a 9am meeting. You are now completely sure you're ancient Egyptian and can write fluently in hieroglyphics
You've been limping for the past few hours and have only just realised you're wearing two different shoes
Whilst knelling down to put on your shoes at the front door the postman rammed a wad of letters in your mouth
For the past hour you've only done one productive thing, but have blinked a lot and stared in to space for a great deal of time at nothing whatsoever. If the uselessness streak goes on any further you'll be called on to run the Conservative party
You've woken up far too early and wanted to call in sick so that you can really enjoy the day - you've spent ages racking your brain and have finally thought of something marvellous, only now you're at your desk. You might just try it anyway
The bad taste in your mouth has been resolved when you remember that you took out two bowls this morning, made the cats medical food in one and cornflakes in other then. Let’s hope the cat enjoyed Special K for breakfast as much as you appeared to have enjoyed the de-worming food you ate
Everyone else is feeling the same way with 1 to 9, especially the postman
1. The roads are gritted - two weeks after it's stopped and everything has melted
2. The weather forecast last night forgot to mention that you won't be able to open your front door this morning, as there's a seven foot high snowdrift blocking access to the car
3. Next doors cat has become a popsicle
4. Parts of you have turned blue – some of these parts you had no idea that they could turn any colour at all, let alone blue. You are still not sure which one is the more alarming of the two
6. Iceland, the shop, goes directly in to receivership upon opening its doors
6. You are wrapped up in so many layers of clothes that you are actually wearing approximately 1/3 of your wardrobe – and whilst only putting out the rubbish at night
7. Anything hot you cling to with a passion, even spending time in close proximity to an old exhaust and its fumes seems appealing right now - with the added effect of drowsiness and sleep/rendering you severely unconscious
8. You’ve seen children burst into tears, which has immediately been followed with what appears to be hail raining down from their faces to the ground
9. Someone actually “took back their words” as the sentence and breath they’ve just uttered was still hanging in the air, free to take back
10. Dogs urinating have been frozen to the ground in mid-stream
You are being constantly reminded by every medium possible that there’s only x amount of shopping days left, but have you done anything about it so far? Not a Christmas snowballs chance in hell – you’ll leave it to the very last minute, just like every other year
7 short friends of yours and a very pale looking woman have just got a few weeks work on stage
You will be spending sometime with a family member that you’re not quite sure how they’re related to you and have given up asking or even really caring
You’ve eaten more mince pies that you once thought was humanly possible
The office party seems all the talk, until the day after it happened – then no one wants to admit what happen, and to whom, why it did and what the dire consequences were
You’re looking forward to that “Turkey hangover” on Boxing day
You seem to have sent more cards this year than you’ve actually received, or have received more cards than actually sent – there’s no equilibrium. Why is that???
Everyone around you on a packed train, crowded street, bar or restaurant has an annoying Christmas ring-tone, which goes off every few seconds and is making you fully aware it’s Christmas time, even if you didn’t know already and was trying to hide from that very fact
Large overweight men with white facial hair seem very popular with children
Whilst last minute shopping, you keep an eye out on want you’d really want for Christmas and are bound to exchange your presents for anyway
Try something that scares you. If trying something that scares you, scares you - be sure to try that too. In fact, you'll be doing that anyway - so ignore that last line
Enjoy life to the full - wear someone else's underwear that you've never met. Look to Oxfam or the Cancer Research shop for this
Ponder for a while on life's more important questions, like: If reality shows really depict reality, why are there so many challenges involving fancy-dress? What happens to all of those odd socks? Where does belly-button lint come from and what makes it smell so bad?
Find a way to reach out to someone you don't know. NOTE: Do not get this confused with a reach-around, they are two very very different things. Strangers often don't take kindly to this and if they do, be worried, very worried indeed
Spend some time with an important person in your life - you. If you happen to find that you don't like yourself or happen to clash on many issues, not much can really be done about that, sorry. Perhaps try couples counseling for you and yourself
Be the bigger person and perhaps apologise for something that you have been accused of, falsely or otherwise. NOTE: Michael Jackson – a week does, still, only consist of 7 days - better start saying sorry first thing!
Maintain a positive outlook on life; try this even if you are the former Spice Girl that thought the G8 was a new boy band. Honestly, intelligence isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Then again, it's quite easy to say that knowing full well that they will never know
Trying to be more understanding, “walk a mile in another mans shoes” – at that point, who cares? You'll be a mile away and have his shoes
Be more charitable; auction all of your neighbors belongs on eBay, donate it all to the Live 8 cause – after all, charity does start at home (it doesn't really say whose though)
Adopt a more philosophical outlook on life, try an Hume's Empiricism (scientific-causal-necessity) or Rene Descartes' Dualism ( Method/Doubt) – if that fails, a few drinks in a bar with some friends will do and putting the world to rights that way
Everything you do from the time you realise you are going to be late increases your lateness, by a factor of ten
The entire cosmos appears to be ganging up against you, all in an effort to make you even more late – and you ARE now taking it very personally
Everything that can go wrong does, and every thing that hasn't is just waiting to
You find religion and start praying to everything that is holy to get you there on time
Besides you being late, everything you rely on is too: trains, tubes, buses, cabs, planes, cars, even your legs - nothing is exempt (see points 1 & 2)
Your excuses become more and more elaborate by each passing second, instead you just end up going with the truth - which no one believes anyway
People start calling and text-messaging you to find out what's happened, knowing full well you are just running late but still they show forced-genuine concern laced with sarcasm and irony
Everyone treats this as if it's the first time in your history that it's happened - when really it's the 9 th time this week and it's only Monday
To justify to your self that you're not really all that late, you begin rounding down the time to the nearest-last 10 minutes – much the same way that you're not 26, just 25+1 or not 30, just 30+1, only in reverse
You swear this will never happen ever, ever, again – of course it will and there's really no point in making idle-swears
Every action you make is rather deliberately and unnecessarily restrictive, quite akin to changing into an oversized pantomime cows costume in a toilet cubical
The meal being served could not be exactly classified as a “meal”, unless it's given to a 6 week old fetus during the gestation period
The air hostesses catering to your needs are polite to the possibility of all being homicidal maniacs that you wouldn't trust sharpening an axe in a playground full of children
You've just had your elbow hit by a passing trolley in the gangway, if not then you will next time – hostesses never forget a missed target, now, it's personal!
You're compacted exceptionally close to a complete stranger you'll never see again, much like a pantomime cow costume that already came with someone for the head
An awkward queue for the toilet forms, 'awkward' in the sense that any more than one person queuing for the purposes of what they intend to do, in what essentially is a small hall-room cupboard, is deemed awkward – especially as forced polite smiles are exchanged when passing by each other, fully unknowing what they're going in to, or fully knowing what they've just left
The video shown on safety procedure scares you to the point of never wanting to fly ever again, in fact you want to leave right now and are just prying out the nearest window – and you're the pilot
Taking off and landing was extremely bumpy or so it appears, especially to the in-flight meal – which has now been promptly displayed over rows 4-9 and 13-14, from several people (NOTE: All in all, it was still far smoother than most train journeys. However, the amount of vomit still remains the same)
Everyone falls into the following hierarchy, and in very distinguishable categories: Cabin Crew are untouchable, Air Hostesses are impeccable, First Class are exceptional, Business Class are professional and Economy Class might just as well be rowing (as in the olden sea voyages and how the “economy class” used to travel)
You're airborne, several thousand feet from terra firma and are from a species that has only just mastered the programmable video-recorder – and you have every faith in how the science works in where you are right now
Top 10 tell tale signs that someone is moving on to a new company
They've begun answering the phone with another company name
Wearing a business suit to work, with bowler hat - when everyone else wears casual clothes, and at all times
So far this month they've had 8 dental appointments, 17 doctors, 7 grandmothers die and their own bar mitzvah to go to - even though they are 33 and Church of England
They've been drafting an email for the past day with the subject line - '' Sucks to be you, assholes " and to ALL USERS - containing words such as idiots, gross misconduct gone unchecked, stolen office furniture, and appearing on eBay soon
Lunch hours have become longer and longer - the last one began on Thursday, three weeks ago
A request for business cards in their new companies name, new job title and headed stationary has just been made - through the existing company
They've become rather nonchalant at work, like leaving their computer on at night and even sometimes outside when it's raining
Office supplies have been going missing, last night they went home wearing a long coat rather distinctly desk shaped
They've just thrown themselves a leaving party
An enquiry has been made if someone can book their holiday time off - along with the next 28 years worth too
Top 10 things to do now that Parliament has been dissolved
Dress up in women's clothing and ride a bear around screaming for joy – literally
Let out the House of Commons to students for accommodation
Force backbenchers to earn extra money for their constituencies by making them do a sort of "bob a job" week - involving bizarre and surreal tasks, occasionally making use of the bear, perhaps wrestling it nakkied covered in honey?? (see point 1)
Have MPs perform actual surgery during their surgery hours at their local constituency – medical training or knowledge not an actual requirement
Expand the archaic laws of the House of Commons to encompass the whole of the UK – “Goats knowing thy own name shalt not to be carried”, “Wigs can only be worn by people not needing them on Thursdays”
Allow BBC1s Changing rooms to redesign the whole of 10 Downing street with only the resources of Pound Stretcher available to them
Make use of the police guarding the House of Commons Halls of Residence by hiring them out to celebrities for protection; perhaps have them fight one another in a Gladiatorial style competition
Tie and bound together MPs that will not be returning to the House of Commons and make a live human raft out them – offering crossings of the Thames to tourists
Give the Conservatives a chance to take some photos of them running the country – as let's face it they have as much chance of winning as Michael Jackson ever does of being allowed within 100 meters of a child, ever again
No one is running the country? Let's try and sell it on Ebay, before/if anyone notices – I hear America is looking for a new place to store things
Top 10 tell tale signs that you've been April Fooled
All of your belongings have currently been glued to the ceiling, this may also include elderly relatives – depending on the adventurousness of your pranker
You woke up this morning in a bath full of ice with a badly drawn scar down your right side and several items blacked out from your Donors card
Someone changed your order from tea to coffee – and repeats this all day. Not really a “wild” April fool in itself, but they've been spiking your drink with small amounts of alcohol – small enough not to be noticed, until you're nakkied and screaming at traffic, around 3pm
You fall for the pregnancy scare trick, until the follow up gag in around 9 months time – really unsure who the April fool is on that one, and the follow through is a wee bit extreme
You are an elderly relative and are glued to a ceiling
Somebody had rearranged ALL of your furniture at home, a horrendous idea – especially if you're blind
You have toilet paper stuck to the base of your shoe, but haven't been to toilet all day – you've just been soiling yourself
You're constantly watching out for being April fooled all day long, and it doesn't happen – that's the ZEN April fool, cool huh?
You've read this and found it funny
Congestion Charge increases by over 50%, on wait … that might be true
Top 10 tell tale signs that it's St Patrick's Day.
More people claim of Irish heritage today that would normally admit to it on any other day during the year, all in order for an excuse to get drunk midweek – guilt free
The rivers of the world (if there happens to be a parade on in the city) flow green. This is always presumed to be from green dye in honour of St Patrick's day, when in actually fact it's the result of the Guinness in urine, no toilets to hand and a river near by
The luck of the Irish be with you, and you're damn well hoping the “luck” will ensure you get home in one piece tonight
Every bar you go to will be decked out with the typical decor of the Irish: Lepricorns, Shamrocks, etc etc. The only pubs that won't be going in for this are the Irish themed pubs, they're having a day off – seeing as they have this 365 days of the year and you barely notice anyway
As with the Germans and do not mention the war – don't mention the defeat by the French last weekend, a very taboo subject (much, much more than the Potato Famine)
To get the real St Patrick's Day feel of things, drink outside the bar - as smoking is now banned in bars in Ireland. NOTE: There are three times the current population of Ireland, that were born in Ireland, living outside it now – and there's no way the country could accommodate them if they all come back at once – I think all it would take is a harsh winter to make room for them all
Each pint of Guinness you'll drink tonight will have a meticulously poured shamrock on its head, whether it's there on not – you will see it as so, one of the side effects of drinking Guinness. Oh, and you'll mentioned it each time you see it, even after the 14 th pint and the 64 th you've seen that evening
The music of River Dance and Michael Flatley will be resurrected for tonight only, and one night is really pushing it in my books. Why is it that he appears to ooze glitter-based baby oil from each pore in his skin?
Many a verse of “Wild Rover” will be sung tonight, if not, I think you'll find that's sacrilege by the rules of the day
You're reading this in a bar, drinking Guinness, before lunch time – and it's not your first pint, you stopped counting a long, long time ago
Top 10 Tell Tale Signs That Your Band Is About To Break Up
Someone has suggested a break for a while, the person that suggested the break has already formed another band even before suggesting that break - and the penny didn't even drop then???
Someone leaves, and takes all the talent with them
You first read about the break up in a press release, by your record company
All the red top newspapers have mentioned a possible split and it appears to be selling records - so you might as well just go with the flow
There are "creative differences" in the band - everyone else is an asshole, and you're not
The record label has released a Greatest Hits album and this is the first time you were even aware of it
You turn up to start recording the new album - alone
You have only just noticed the World Wide tour you are half way through is entitled the "Farewell Tour - Last Chance To See, Ever!"
Your last single entered the charts in the bargain bin section of Woolworths
You started out as a quartet and now you're a solo artist
Everything you buy is marketed as: 'for one' - 'meals for one', 'half bottles of wine for one' followed by - 'washing up for one', which is even more closely followed by 'crying yourself to sleep, for one'
You keep cats, against their own will
All of your coupled-up friends never invite you over anymore, as logic dictates - two people can't talk to one person at the same time and get a whole lot of sense out of it
Everyone everywhere are performing PDA's (Public Displays Of Affection) just to rub your face in being single and alone - or so it appears
to you
All the music being played everywhere you go is all about 'being with someone' - it's as if the radio station play-list compilers and whomever just put on the last track have combined forces to make your life a living hell
'Letting yourself go' has now turned into your latest hobby, and strangely enough, this is something you are quite proud of
You once felt the need to have more 'space' but now you have so much of it you're at a loss of what to do with it all - perhaps ‘let' some it out, for advertising purposes
Friends that you believed knew you well, don't after all – as they try to fix you up with the most inappropriate dates, that are really only treading water in the shallow end of the gene pool
Friday and Saturday nights have now become 'good TV nights' - instead of 'good sex nights'
Top 10 tell tale signs that you are waiting in a GP's surgery
No matter how ill you are, you still feel as though you are the healthiest one there
Everyone gave you an awkward stare at you when you walked in, and for no apparent reason other that you are there, just as you now join in doing yourself - and for no apparent reason than they are there too
You've just found out by reading the magazines that something known as the 'Y2K bug' might be a serious problem in three years time
From the posters on the wall and other literature to hand, you now believe you have three more things wrong with you since arriving
You start playing 'Guess The Ailment' game in your own head, along with everyone else there too - best and worst case scenarios being an altogether different game
Everybody seems to be getting seen before you, and it all appears that you're being punished for being ill in the first place - this IS usually the case
All the children running about do not appear to belong to any of the people waiting with you, perhaps they came with the fixtures and fittings of the surgery?
You're more worried about picking up more illnesses from the other patients sitting with you, than you are about your own reasons for being there. This increases ten fold when somebody new walks in - especially if you can't guess what's wrong with them (see the game in No. 5)
You notice that the receptionists all have a personal grudge with each and every patient in the waiting room – well, that's how it comes across from their attitude, and when anyone speaks to them
It’s the only way you can stay in the country, even though you are from there anyway
You were bet that you wouldn’t go through with it, and you are never one to back down from anything - anyway, the money will come in useful for the honeymoon
All of your friends are married, and the only ones that aren't you don't really want to know anymore - this seems the perfect solution, if a little extreme
You've had this list of things you want laying about for ages now - this appears to be the best way to get it all
After hearing the gag “I once when to a pornographic wedding, where all the pages were stuck together” - you wanted to see if you could pull it off
You feel like having a really nice two week holiday, only with a rather expensive and monumental start to it
This is a great way to put a stop to all ‘those’ rumours about your sexuality, and that cross-dressing period you went through some time ago
You’ve never really liked the in-laws, and this is the ideal way to get at them
It’s a great way to see all your relatives drunk, and also whole bunch of strangers drunk that have now become your relatives
Top 10 things to do, or have done, by the time you are/were 30
Been so badly in debt that the UN tries to draw sanctions against you
Have discovered your own personal drinking limit, by popping out for a quick drink with a few friends. Promptly followed by loosing 5 hours of you life, waking up supporting a tattoo of a persons name that you have no idea to whom it belongs, and 123 miles from where you first started and have no idea how you got there – and in the spare bedroom, of a house that you have never been to before
Break up with someone so badly with that not only have you erased that time from your memory (and omitted it from your CV too) and that persons name from your memory, as have all your friends - in fact those who shared they same name have now changed theirs just for you
Come to realise that the music you used to listen to in your youth was the best music on the planet and will ever be – and the music these days is just ‘noise’ and that’s all there is to say on the matter
Have at least one key on your key-ring, or in a draw, that you have no idea as to which door it belongs to or in fact have ever known
Thought you’d seen it all, until some MP is caught by a tabloid doing something (that can only be described as ‘Freaky’) to something/someone else, or having something ‘freaky’ done to them – all of which is sooooo bad that it makes you retch each time you think of it, or an MP (kinda hard when it comes around to voting, as the booths are rather small and have no buckets)
Moved more times that you once thought was humanly possible - unless you are a gypsy, homeless or a crustacean of some sort
Occupied over a quarter of your life being ‘on hold’ to some company or another, and have been forced to listen to music that you wished you were deaf for the very first time ever – well, until the next time, and then the next – ad infinitum
Will now know that the ‘Things to have done by the time you are 30’ lists seen in popular women’s and mens’ magazines are impossible, unless you are a) independently wealthy, b) have a keenness in meeting your maker sooner than expected, c) double jointed, d) have more than 30 years to fit all them in and e) in a few cases, a hermaphrodite
Top 10 tell tale signs that you’re about to be dumped
AKA
Top 10 tell tale signs that your partner is about to leave you
Your partner, during lovemaking, calls you by another name and appears to have completely forgotten yours – they’ve also stopped referring to you by your name everywhere else in life. In fact, you’ve started answering to that name too, as you’ve become so used to it – at work, out with friends, you’ve even started answering the phone with that name
Upon you suggesting “Where shall we go for our holidays this year?”, they reply with … “Let it be a surprise” – as it will be, for you anyway, seeing as you won’t be there
You have noticed gradual changes in your other half, they have also seen gradual changes within you and the outcome being a whole new person
If you don’t live together, you start to see more and more of your stuff that you thought you had lost appear, as they start to clear you out of their life – or the stuff appears on EBay
Your partner has entertained the idea of a threesome, with you not being present or in the same borough
They’re best friend has just become single, and you start to see a ‘longing’ look in their face. Much the same as a dog has looking towards the door, waiting for its master to come home. There may be some whining involved with this look too
You start to see your friends around more, as one of them has been told in confidence that the relationship is about to end – and of course, they’ve gone and told the rest. If they all show up at once this may be mistaken as an intervention, so if you are on crack don’t worry – carry on as usual
The ‘in case of emergencies contact name’ for your partner is changed to one you’re sure you once heard whilst making love
They stop commenting on the attractiveness of other people, something that they always have done before, up until now – as they don’t want to give the game away too soon (NOTE: If I have made you think or caused any trouble by this one, my sincere apologies - honestly)
A musical artist or band appears on the scene and you have no idea what to call their style of music, or even know how to categorise it/what to call it - and frankly, that rather scares you
Someone called you Sir or Madam, and for the first time you didn't turn around to see who they were talking to, or if they were really addressing your parents
You tell someone to put a jacket on just as they go out, as it looks like it might get nippy later on
You go out to buy some new clothes and spend the entire time 'tsking' and thinking “you will never see me dead in clothes or fashion like that” - and you do this at every shop you go to
A 'Retro' trend starts, from an era that you lived through - and which you firmly believe with total conviction and with no possibility of any hesitation what-so-ever that it's far too soon to have a 'retro' trend from that time. Oh, and mostly everything you own is from that period anyway
Your favourite film from your youth gets remade with the hottest young stars of today - and you have no idea who they are, let alone why they would ruin such a classic (and you are very, very bitter about it all and are intend on boycotting the film and consider 'flaming' it on a movie website, if you only knew what flaming was)
Today, you know that shouldn't do the things you could do when you were younger, but you would do, given half the chance and if you could get away with it – a different turn on ‘shoulda’, ‘woulda’ and ‘coulda’, with age applied
Someone, for the very first time, stood up and offered you their seat on public transport – and you are not a) a pregnant woman, b) an octogenarian or c) wanting to sit down at all, but you take it anyway
You forget your own birthday – on purpose, for the third year in a row (hoping everyone else will follow suit)
You desperately miss one thing from your youth, actually it started out as many – but as your years go by you forget more and more about those times, to the point where you no longer have any harkens back to those days. Although the desire is still there, you’ve just forgotten and have no way of realising – welcome you to old age
Contact the Readers Digest. Seeing as they always know where EVERYBODY is. I've moved eleven times, and each time they find me within the first month just to tell me that I'm lucky enough to have been entered in to a prize draw for £50,000 (I wonder if Saddam has ever won????)
Ask his Mother. As Mothers always give out your phone number and address to anyone calling up saying that they're an old school friend, and we've lost contact; just make sure you know which schools he attended.
Spam all users on Hotmail with the subject line Are you wanted? And an Evil dictator? Are you looking for a good time?
Order a Pizza to Mr S Hussein, Baghdad . Those delivery boys are very, very resourceful. Then all you need to do is follow them .. a small red scooter should not be hard to miss and keep trail of on the war torn streets of Baghdad , or hard to keep up with, even on foot (as they're are not very fast).
Google him.
Try Directory Enquires, one of the new numbers first (just to show that you're paying attention with what's going on around you) and then the old one (just to show you still care).
Register with a Saddam Hussein look-a-like agency, and just sit back and wait for the casting calls.
